Depressed.....Now more than ever

Okay, so I just got done eating dinner by myself again. This is about a biweekly experience for me, but lately it seems to be just about every day. Today, it finally just got to me. I made a wonderful spaghetti dinner, complete with my homemade spaghetti sauce and garlic bread. Plus last night before I went to bed I made a chef salad with eggs and ham, just the way my sister likes it. (With mushrooms in a separate container, cause she hates mushrooms on her salad!)

Anyway, I absolutely HATE eating dinner alone, especially after I cook a big meal. So, tonight while eating dinner alone for the first time at my new dining room table, I decided that I may be doing this for the rest of my life. And with my sister graduating from college soon and moving away, I will definitely be eating alone every night of the week. Maybe this is her way of training me once May comes, I don't know.

Another thing that depresses me on the week of my 25th birthday is that I have no one to spend my birthday with!!! My sister is going to Cleveland, my cousin is going to the Kenny Chesney concert, the guys I work with are having a "Guys Party" complete with strippers, so that leaves my mom and dad. I guess that's appropriate since they brought me into the world almost 25 years ago!

Then, I was talking to my cousin Chad on the phone today and he asked me about Dan and if we were still "talking" which by the way I hate that phrase, it should be either dating or not dating. No talking, no seeing each other, no casual sex partners, no friends with benefits, or any other stupid phrases people are using these days!!! Okay, back to Chad. Once I told him no, he asked why and I told him how he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship all of a sudden and then we talked about the problems he is experiencing with the woman that is soon to be his baby's mommy. And then he says to me that he thinks of me as a woman who would be high maintenance in a relationship. I asked him why he thought that, he said "for several reasons". He says that I seem to be the type of person who is sweet on the outside but hard to deal with once I am in a relationship and that I wouldn't let the guy I am dating go out with his guy friends.

Which is completely the opposite of how I am. I don't want to be with that person every day of the week, I just want to know that if I need him, he will be there. I don't care if he goes out with his friends as long as I can go out with mine. And even though I don't have any, I would still let him go out with his. And, yes I can be difficult to deal with because I like things done my way, but I do take other people's opinion into account, and if it's better than mine, I will change!

Does anyone else feel that 25 is too old to not be in a serious relationship planning the rest of your life? I just thought that my life would be so different than it is right now. And that is the most depressing part about it. I should be have just given birth to my second child by now getting ready to go back to school to begin my first year of teaching at a school out in the country. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY happy with my job, I just thought that after I had a couple children I would get a teaching job. I should also be living in the country in my own house with lots of bills and space for my kids to run around. I have the bills part, maybe the rest will come sometime before I am 35.

I also came to the realization today that if I don't have kids by the time I am 35 I am getting the breast reduction I have been wanting for the last 10 years! I figure if it hasn't happened by 35 then it won't happen at all. After 30 I think I am seriously going to look for a sperm donor!

I know some people reading this would say that I am still too young to worry about my life. But, I just want to have a family so badly. I have wanted a child every day of my life since about 15. I love kids. Whenever I am having a bad day, I just need to see a child smiling, and it changes my mood instantly. Is it so wrong to want to be a mother? That is the only thing I would really be great at. I guess now I have to spend the next 7 years finding a man who thinks the same thing and who can stomach my neediness that Chad thinks I have. I really am not needy though, I am an independent woman who can take care of myself. So don't think I need a husband/boyfriend for that, I just want to experience the feeling of true love since it obviously isn't what I thought it was. And I thought what I had with Shawn was wonderful, that means true love must be better!!

Amanda- sorry to post something so depressing right before your wedding, but I just needed to vent! I hope everything goes well on your special day!!!!

Now that you all think I am insane and you are worried that I might jump off a bridge, I will be alright. I keep myself pretty busy. After I post this, I have to work on a flyer for our Relay garage sale, edit the flyer for the pharmacy, and clean my kitchen. So, no one worry, I'll get over this depression just like I get over them every other time this happens!

I'm a Big Girl Now!!

So, I am extremely excited! I am getting a big girl bed! I am finally getting a queen sized bed. It is coming to my house on Thursday. I also got a big comfy mattress and a dining room set.

This weekend was pretty eventful. On Friday, I went to the good ole Monroe County Fair and then I went to The Rodeo bar in Oregon. My sister and her friends got trashed so I had to drive their asses home!

Saturday, I went shopping with mom and ange for a comforter. I found one, but all they had was King size. So I had to beg the people in Toledo to save me a queen. Then we went to my uncles' birthday party.

Sunday, I went to get my comforter then slept the day away!

A-Rod hit #500 this weekend, very exciting! Look out Barry, he is coming!!

Well, that's all for now, maybe I'll figure out how to post a picture of my new bed when I get it made up on Thursday.

Have a good week everyone!